Trendonyms

September 11 Patriot Day

2007-09-11T15:56:00.000-05:00

Today is Patriot Day in honor of those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. We've found ourselves singing a poor rendition of Darryl Worley's Have You Forgotten throughout the day. In memory of them, here are the lyrics to that song.

I hear people saying we don't need this war
I say there's some things worth fighting for

What about our freedom and this piece of ground
We didn't get to keep 'em by backing down

They say we don't realize the mess we're getting in
Before you start your preaching let me ask you this my friend

Have you forgotten how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away

Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside going through a living hell

And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

They took all the footage off my TV
Said it's too disturbing for you and me

It'll just breed anger that's what the experts say
If it was up to me I'd show it everyday

Some say this country's just out looking for a fight
After 9/11 man I'd have to say that's right

Have you forgotten how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away

Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside going thru a living hell

And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

I've been there with the soldiers
Who've gone away to war

And you can bet that they remember
Just what they're fighting for

Have you forgotten how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away

Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside going through a living hell

And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

Have you forgotten all the people killed?
Some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field

Have you forgotten about our Pentagon?

All the loved ones that we lost and those left to carry on

Don't you tell me not to worry about bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

General David Petraeus Report

2007-09-10T17:52:00.000-05:00

General David Petraeus, the Commanding General of Multi-National Forces, Iraq and the head honcho in the war against terrorism, appeared before a joint session of the House Armed Services Committee and House Foreign Relations Committee today to give his much anticipated assessment.

We'll try to remain neutral. Just the facts, ma'am, and all that, right?

General Petraeus's overall assessment was that the surge of US troops met its military objectives and that we may be able to scale back to pre-surge levels by July 2008 without jeopardizing our gains. In other words, a withdrawal of about 30,000 service members by mid-summer.

"The level of security incidents has declined in eight of the past 12 weeks with the level of incidents in the past two weeks the lowest since June of 2006," he said.

Iranian, Syrian, and Iraqi terrorists, Al-Qaeda, and sectarian violence remain the largest threats to stability, and although there is no guarantee of success, abandoning the country now would result in certain failure and embolden Al-Qaeda and its allies.

Throughout the proceedings, anti-war protesters, including Cindy Sheehan, whose son was killed in Iraq, heckled General Petraeus.

"Tell the truth, General!" rang the chorus. "Generals lie, children die!"

Finally, the Chair of the House Armed Services Committee, Republican Ike Skelton, gave them the boot. "No more disturbances will be tolerated," he said. "Out they go."

However, when Petraeus finished his testimony, several more protesters began chanting, "Pull out!" They also got the boot. One woman wearing a pink cardboard crown and screaming "No, no, no!" had to be forced out of the room by security guards.

General Petraeus came under attack ...

Wait a minute. Sorry.

If we were to give our lives while serving our country, do you really think we would want our families to discredit that sacrifice by protesting the very reason for which we died? The correct answer is no. We would not. We would be ashamed. Luckily, we know our families have the good sense to realize that we died fighting for our country. This is an all-volunteer Army. There is no draft. No one has forced us to pick-up arms and defend our country. We do it because we are patriots. Be proud of us. Don't turn around and say our cause wasn't just or that we died without purpose. Don't embarrass us, and don't embarrass our memory.

We know we said we'd try to remain neutral. We failed.

Anyway, General Petraeus came under attack in an advertisement in today's New York Times. Right-wing nut jobs from MoveOn.org made numerous ridiculous and unprovable accusations, including one that he was "cooking the books for the White House." The title of the ad? "General Petraeus or General Betray-us?"

Cute.

The 2000 Democratic Vice Presidential candidate, Senator Joe Lieberman, responded, "We must reject the slander of this brave soldier and patriot," and White House press secretary Tony Snow wrote it off as "a boorish, childish, unworthy attack."

Today's hearing on our progress in the War on Terror was only the first, and it begins a week-long focus on the future of the Iraqi conflict.

Remember that tomorrow is Patriot Day and the anniversary of September 11, 2007. Please do not forget the men and women who lost their lives on that day and the men and women who continue to sacrifice their own well-being to protect your freedoms and defend this great country.

Microwave Popcorn Lung

2007-09-06T16:47:00.000-05:00

It's a known fact that workers in factories that produce microwaveable are prone to contracting bronchiolitis obliterans, also known as popcorn lung.

Seriously.

Popcorn lung is a lung disease caused by exposure to diacetyl, the chemical used for artificial butter flavoring. Over the last five years, popcorn makers like ConAgra Foods, General Mills, and the American Pop Corn Company have paid more than $100,000,000 in lawsuits filed by employees who have contracted popcorn lung.

While diacetyl is found naturally in products like milk, cheese, and butter, it becomes a vapor when heated. If inhaled for extended periods of time, it can lead to swelling and scarring in the lungs's airways.

So how do you know if you've been breathing in too many toxic popcorn fumes? Inhale deeply. No problems? Good. Now exhale. If you find the process of exhaling difficult, you might have popcorn lung, or someone might be trying to smother you with a pillow.

So factory workers who are exposed to diacetyl on a daily basis are at risk. What about consumers?

Unless you are consuming a bag or two of microwaveable popcorn a day, you should be safe. The risk comes from inhaling the fumes, so don't open the bag and take a big whiff. Keep it under a vent or in a well-ventilated area. However, there is only one documented case of popcorn lung by a consumer, so don't panic just yet.

Meet Wayne Watson.

Wayne was a chronic user. He ate several bags of microwaveable popcorn a day. "I am popcorn," were his words. He'd been eating that much for a decade. As it is with most foods we love, the smell was a large part of his enjoyment. He'd open the bag, and inhale both the comforting fragrance of popcorn and the deadly fumes of diacetyl. Ah, what sweet bliss.

Wayne Watson first noticed a change in his lung capacity several years ago during choir rehearsals when he wasn't able to hold his notes like he had once been able. He wasn't a smoker and had made no changes to his lifestyle, so he saw a doctor about it. He got scans and biopsies, he took inhalers and steroids, all to no affect. Gradually, his lung capacity continued to diminish.

It wasn't until he saw a a pulmonary specialist at Denver’s National Jewish Medical and Research Center that the astute doctor noticed similarities between Wayne's symptoms and popcorn lung.

Further investigation revealed that the levels of diacetyl in Wayne's home were equal to a microwave popcorn production factory.

Wayne Watson has since kicked the habit, and his lung capacity has greatly improved.

Coincidence? ConAgra seems to think so. The makers of Orville Redenbacher and Act II popcorn made this statement:

“We are fully confident that microwave popcorn is safe for consumers to prepare and eat. However, in order to eliminate even the perception of risk for consumers and to provide the safest possible work environment for employees who handle large quantities of diacetyl, we plan to eliminate the use of added diacetyl in our microwave popcorn products within a year."

General Mills and the American Pop Corn Company are also working on new recipes sans diacetyl.

In the meantime, enjoy your microwaveable popcorn of death.

New Apple iPod Announcement

2007-09-05T16:40:00.000-05:00

Ever since the days of our Apple IIGS, we've loved Apple. While Apple Computer Inc. seemed likely to dominate the market in the 1980s, the evil Bill Gates came along and beat them into submission. Venture into an early 1990s computer store, and you’d fine row upon row of Microsoft Windows compatible programs; the Apple ones would be tucked away on the bottom shelf in a dark and dusty corner. Resigned, we eventually traded in our Apple for one with Microsoft Windows 95.

So when did Apple start making a comeback? While we admit that a desktop computer with the Mac Operating System is actually a viable alternative to Windows these days, it was the iPod that turned the company into something with teeth.

The iPod hit stores on November 10th, 2001. At that time, Apple was trading on Wall Street for around $10 a share. Today, it’s trading for $140. If you had invested $10,000 in Apple when the iPod was announced, it would be worth $140,000 today.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Well, we weren’t going to make the same mistake twice. The day the iPhone was announced and Apple Computer Inc. became Apple Inc., we dropped some cash into their stock. Since then, it’s gone up another 56%. In July, the iPhone commanded 1.8% of the mobile handset market and outsold all other smart phones, and analysts expect this number to continue to grow.

But it seems Apple isn’t done yet.

Today, Steve Jobs announced they would be revamping the entire iPod lineup. Here are the highlights.

iPod Touch

Think of it is an iPhone without the phone. The iPod Touch features a touch-screen interface, Cover Flow (a three-dimensional graphical user interface that displays album covers you can flip through), and Wi-Fi, giving you access to the Safari web browser, a YouTube application, and the iTunes music store so you can browse and buy music anywhere there’s a Wi-Fi hotspot. The iPod Touch comes in 8 GB ($299) and 16 GB ($399) models.

iPod Classic

Video iPods were renamed iPod classics. This sixth generation version incorporates Cover Flow and an all-metal casing. A new 160 GB version ($349) will also be available, giving you the ability to create play lists of your favorite 40,000 songs.

iPod Shuffle & iPod Nano

The new iPod Nano features a larger, video-capable display with Cover Flow for your music. It also includes three games with more games available through iTunes. It comes in a 4 GB ($149) and 8 GB ($199) version. Both the Shuffle and Nano got the all-metal casing makeover.

iPhone

If you couldn’t afford it before, you’re in luck. The 8 GB iPhone has been reduced in price from $599 to $399. As an added bonus, iTunes now also gives you the ability to create custom ring tones for your phone.

If you haven’t already invested in Apple Corp., we highly recommend doing so. Make sure you pick up a new iPod and iPhone while you’re at it, too. If your significant other complains about your spending habits, show him or her portfolio, point at AAPL, and say that you are only investing in your future.

Skybus

2007-08-31T16:47:00.000-05:00

In an industry plagued by failing companies and bankruptcies, one might think that the airlines wouldn't be the ideal candidate for a potential new start-up.

One would be wrong.

Chief Executive Bill Diffenderffer started with $160 million and completely redesigned the airline business model from the ground up. Say hello to Skybus, where an airline ticket costs as little as 10 bucks.

No, our monkeys didn't mistype that. Ten dollars. Diez dólares. Dieci dollari.

Beginning in May, Skybus began flying Between Burbank, California and Columbus, Ohio. Flights were soon added between Bellingham, Washington and Columbus, then between San Diego and Columbus. As of this article, Skybus is flying five Airbus A319s on routes from Columbus to 11 cities nationwide. If everything goes according to schedule, we'll see 80 Airbus A319s flying to various cities across the US.

So how do they do it? What's their secret?

First of all, only the first ten seats actually sell for $10. After these seats sell-out, the price increases to $50, with incremental price increases of $25 as more seats sell, up to $175 for the remaining available seats. The average cost of a one-way ticket is around $100 if you don't manage to get in early.

And by early, we mean, like, immediately. Within hours of being posted, the $10 fares on every flight for the entire year were sold-out online. Carmen Hulbert, Skybus's Director of Marketing, likened it to a feeding frenzy.

But still, even if you paid $100 for your ticket, that's a hell of a lot better than what you're going to find anywhere else. Skybus managed to sell 86% of their seats in their first month of business, which is incredible for an airline just getting its wheels up.

Okay, so you want to book a flight; how do you do it? Call their 1-800 number and talk to a customer service representative?

Wrong. There is no spoon, there is no 1-800 number, and there are no customer service representatives. You have to buy your ticket on their website.

So you log onto their website and reserved a seat. Now you head to the airport and look for the Skybus counter. Don't expect to see a smiling employee standing by to wait on you; you have to pay homeage to one of the automated kiosks. Have bags to check? It will cost you $5 extra per bag.

Hey, now. Wait one damn minute! Why do we have to pay extra to check our bags? Well, if you think about it, you pay that extra amount at traditional airlines, too. It's factored in to the inflated cost of your ticket. With Skybus, you're only paying that extra cost if you are actually using the service.

Alright. So the attendants help you check your bags. 30 minutes before your flight, these same attendants move to the gate to help board passengers. Meanwhile, since there is no separate cleaning crew, the flight attendants are cleaning the cabin and preparing it for your arrival.

Like Southwest Airlines, Skybus doesn't have assigned seating. If you want to get first dibs, you can pay another $10 for priority boarding.

So now you know this is Skybus, and they are all about cutting costs. You board the plane, expecting to find a bare-bones aircraft, probably with rows of plastic folding chairs instead of aisles of seats. Actually, the Airbus A319 is first-class. The seats are made of plush leather and are designed by the same Italian dude who makes the seats for Ferrari sports cars. It also has wider aisles for moving about.

The cost savings is in the leg-room.

There is approximately two inches less leg-room than in traditional airliners. This means Skybus can cram in 20 more passengers for a total of around 134.

Don't expect television shows, movies, or music. No complimentary lunch. Free pretzels? Forget about it. You'll be paying separate for any drinks, food, pillows, or blankets, but remember: you were already paying for this crap before in the inflated cost of traditional airline tickets. With Skybus, you only pay if you want the service.

Flight attendants are also paid less and work on a 10% commission. You can expect to find them roving up and down the aisles and peddling their wares. $10 for a meal. $2 for a soda or candy bar. A bud light for $5. They'll even try to sell you perfume, watches, and jewelry during the flight.

You'll see advertisements on the flight attendants shirts. You'll see advertisements on the over head bins. You'll see them on the carpet, and you might even see them on the outside of the airplane itself; nationwide Insurance paid $100,000 to have its logo pained on one of the Airbus A319s.

Keep in mind, Skybus doesn't do connecting flights. Not only does this cut down on the amount of lost luggage, but it saves time and money by ensuring that every aircraft is flying in a straight line to its intended destination without detours.

You also won't find Skybus at any of the major airports. You'll be landing in podunk towns like Chicopee, Massachusetts, and Burbank, California.

Why?

The average taxi-time at major airports is around 30 minutes. At smaller ones, its closer to 10 minutes. A half-hour weather delay at a major airport might result in a two-hour backlog. At smaller airports, there is no backlog. Less time waiting around equals less man-hours, less fuel burning, and more money in the pocket.

Our only question is, why didn't someone think of this sooner? Hell, why didn't we think of this? It's so simple, yet so genius.

Only time will tell if Skybus's business model will be a success, but you can bet that we'll be investing in Bill Diffenderffer's brain child if we ever see it stroll onto Wallstreet.

Lake Tawakoni State Park Giant Spider Web

2007-08-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

45 miles east of Dallas, Texas, spiders have spun a web that stretches along 200-yards of a nature trail in the Lawakoni State Park. Seven trees and numerous bushes are blanketed by the web, which also spills across the ground.

"At first, it was so white it looked like fairyland," said park Superintendent Donna Garde. "Now it's filled with so many mosquitoes that it's turned a little brown. There are times you can literally hear the screech of millions of mosquitoes caught in those webs."

Serves them right, the dirty blood-sucking bastards. Music to our ears, this lovely mosquito genocide.

In spite of the joy of hearing the shrieks of millions of dying mosquitoes, the thought of arachnids falling from the sky is a little much for some. Visitors to the Lake Tawakoni State Park either love it or hate it. Stalwarts from the media, however, were not to be deterred. Park officials have had to post guards along the trail to protect the giant spider web against the curious poking and prodding of grubby little fingers, and the flow of spectators is expected to increase over the weekend.

What caused these friendly little web-crawlers to create such a massive structure? Was it a group project by social spiders, working together in harmony, or was it solitary spiders spinning separate webs in an attempt to move away from one another? Perhaps it was the crack spider up to his usual tricks? Or, as Al Gore would have you believe, is this just another sign of the impeding doom that is global warming?

Although heated debate amongst entomology experts has taken place over the internet, the root cause of this phenomenon is still undecided. Superintendent Donna Garde wants the experts to investigate the web in person. A valid point, since the only scientific fact determined thus far has been that arguing over the internet is like the Special Olympics; even if you win, you're still retarded.

Herbert Pase, a Texas Forest Service entomologist, said, "From what I'm hearing, it could be a once in a lifetime event."

However, don't expect Lake Tawakoni State Park's giant spider web to stick around long enough to become the eighth wonder of the world. In fact, it probably won't last longer than late October, when the spiders complete their part in the circle of life, curl up their legs, and die, thus ending their tragically short existence.

Isn't nature a beautiful thing?

How You Doin' Matt LeBlanc

2007-08-29T17:15:00.000-05:00

Former Friends ladies man, Matt LeBlanc, is currently being sued to the tune of $1,000,000.

Carmille Cerio, his ex-business manager, said that Matt signed an agreement stating that she would receive 15% of his earnings for "pilot and series derived from Friends Like Us and subsequent jobs derived henceforth."

Friends Like Us was the original title for NBC's Friends. Thank God they changed it before release.

Matt cut ties with his business manager in 2000, but she is still demanding payment for the the 2001-2004 seasons of Friends as well as its spin-off series, Joey.

It breaks our heart to see Matt LeBlanc come under fire. Many of us here on the Trendonyms.com staff were -- and still are -- faithful fans of Joey Tribbiani, Matt LeBlanc's ever-loveable character on Friends.

As a tribute, here are some of our favorite lines from the show.

Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

[Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside her door, and they got hooked on it]
Chandler: Hey! Pipe down! This woman tried to do a nice thing so she could get to know all of you and I bet not one of you can tell me her name.
Neighbor: ...Candy lady?
Chandler: Okay, that's it. Go home! You ruined it!
Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a minute, I mean, somebody slipped a threatening note under the door.
Joey: [takes note] Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality...

Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole."
Joey: Okay.
[He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave]
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair.
Joey: That's right. I'm taking the essence.

Joey: I hate Pottery barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed.
Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!

Joey: [after smelling potpourri] Well, this is like summer in a bowl!

Monica: My motto is get out before they go down.
Joey: That is so not my motto.

Chandler: [to Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute.
Joey: But it hurts my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.

Phoebe: Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey: I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel: Come on, you have to answer.
Joey: Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!

[after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom]
Joey: I'll just go pee in the street.

Joey: And look. A phone in the bathroom.
Monica: Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.

[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms]
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then --
[breaks down laughing]
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.

Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

Joey: Hey Ross. If homo sapiens were in fact "homo sapiens", could that be why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey, homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey! I'm not judging here.

[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife]
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer.

[Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica]
Chandler: That was pretty intense, huh?
Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.
Chandler: I hope he did.

Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.

Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I'd probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.

Rachel: See? Unisex.
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joey: I wouldn't say no to that.

[advising Ross about Rachel]
Joey: You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.

[Chandler walks in]
Joey: You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan.

Joey: I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.

Rachel: Are you sure that on some level you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey: I don't have another level.

Rachel: How do I ask a guy out?
Joey: Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and down and say, how you doing?
Rachel: Eww.
Joey: [turns to Phoebe] How you doing?
Phoebe: [giggles] Just fine.

[Chandler fights with Joey over a chair]
Chandler: All right, fine, you know what? We'll both sit in the chair.
[sits on Joey's lap]
Chandler: I'm soooo comfortable.
Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Chandler: All right.
[jumps up]

Joey: [drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.
[yelling]
Joey: Get out of the way jackass.
[to Rachel]
Joey: Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

Joey: I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it.'
[does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]
Joey: Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.
[looks all confused]
Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.
Chandler: That was five years ago.
Joey: I know. You got five more years.
Chandler: Joey...
Joey: You want to make it six?

Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

[At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]]
Rachel: Joey, you can't steal an award.
Joey: I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf.
Rachel: You don't even know what behalf means.
Joey: I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it.

Rachel: How long do you think, should a girl wait if a guy just broke up with his girlfriend?
Phoebe: A month.
Monica: Really? I'd say two or three.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.

[Rachel doesn't take his advice]
Joey: Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.

[talking about Ralph Lauren]
Joey: I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.

Monica: Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did.
Monica: Well, what did you ask her?
Joey: 'When can you move in?'.

Ross: Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.
Joey: Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans.
[winks at Ross]
Ross: Why'd you wink at me?
Joey: Don't look at me. You're the one who likes the picture so much.

Joey: I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap.
Chandler: That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth.
Joey: OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed.

Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

[On living alone]
Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? Have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.

[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet]
Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Wait.
[runs hands through hair]
Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm not an eight year-old girl.
Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?

[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]
[Just been told the patients date of birth]
Joey: Age...?
Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

[Looking through the ads in a newspaper]
Monica: There are no jobs for me.
Joey: Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked?
Monica: There's an ad for a naked chef?
Joey: No. But if you'd be willing to cook naked, you might be willing to dance naked.

Ross: Grab a spoon... Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy don't be a hero" mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story! But I gotta go... I date with Angela... Andrea... Oh man!
Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
Joey: Right. Thanks... it's Julie... I'm outta here!

Chandler: And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.
Joey: Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?

Joey: Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him. He got you to say he never has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a great idea?
Phoebe: [weakly] Uh-huh.
Joey: This man is my God!

Joey: [after talking about Chandler being picky with girls] Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!

Monica: [the Friends are at the beach] Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat.
Chandler: [to Joey] You know that's not really true.
Joey: Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie.
Chandler: Why? What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing; he just really believes that.

[Monica and Chandler are having sex in the other room]
Joey: You can't have s-e-x in front of a b-a-b-i-e

Joey: Dude, stop talkin' crazy and make us some tea!

Joey: How you doin'?

Miss Teen South Carolina Don't Need No Edumacation

2007-08-28T18:19:00.001-05:00

More beauty pageant misfortune. On last Friday night's Miss Teen USA pageant, tragedy struck.

Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina, was asked, "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a world map. why do you think this is?"

And her brain malfunctioned. "I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because ... uh ... some people out there in our nation don't have maps and ... ah ... I believe that our education, like such as South Africa and the Iraq -- everywhere like such as -- and I believe that they should ... uh ... our education over here in the US should help the US ... er, or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our ..."

A sphincter says what?

When questioned by a South Carolina newspaper, The State, Lauren said, "I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't expecting the question. I lost my train of thought."

Sorry, Lauren, but you did do something wrong. In fact, you did three things wrong. One, you didn't expect the question. Two, you lost your train of thought. Three, you opened your mouth and poured forth a great flood of nonsensery.

NBC's Today Show gave Lauren Upton a second shot at the question. After several rehearsals in the dressing room mirror, she passed with flying colors. "Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don't know anyone else who doesn't. And if the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography."

For the record, Lauren is a varsity athlete and student leader at Lexington High School, where she sports a 3.5 GPA. Yes, she was on national television, and we know the pressure was intense. "Everything did come at me at once. I was overwhelmed, and I made a mistake. Everybody makes a mistake. I'm human," she said. "I seriously think I only heard about one or two words of the actual question."

The best part? Lauren Upton placed third in the competition.

Cocaine Drug Submarine

2007-08-23T17:24:00.000-05:00

US Border Patrol agents spotted three plastic pipes skimming along the ocean's surface some 300 miles from Costa Rica. Suspicions aroused, they discovered a semi-submersible homemade submarine trying to sneak its way through international waters at a speed of seven miles-per-hour. The US Coast Guard, FBI, Drug Enforcement Administration, and Columbian officials were called in to intercept the vessel. When the four-man crew realized the game was up, they strapped on their life perservers and tried to flood the ship.

However, officials were able to recover 11 bales of cocaine; estimates have the total payload at five tons and valued at over $350 million. The four men were arrested and each was issued an ever-fashionable orange jumpsuit.

While drug smugglers are using more and more sophisticated means to get their goods into the US, a Customs and Border Patrol representative told us that using submarines was relatively uncommon. "There have been recorded cases involving these sorts of vessels, but they are extremely rare."

So far this year, the Border Patrol has confiscated more than 32 tons of cocaine with a street value of $2,200,000,000; that's $2.2 billion if you're having trouble with all those zeros. Now that's a lot of blow.

Last March, the Coast Gaurd made the largest maritime bust in history, intercepting a Panamanian ship carrying 20 tons of cocaine.

59 Year Old Mike Flynt to Play Division III Football

2007-08-22T19:54:00.000-05:00

In 1965, Mike Flynt was on the first state championship football team at Odessa Permian, the high school featured in Friday Night Lights. He went on to play college ball at Sul Ross as a linebacker and ended his junior year as a team captain and leading tackler.

However, Mike had a propensity for fighting, and when he got into another fist fight at the beginning of his senior year, school officials decided it was the last straw. They threw him out of Sul Ross and off the football team. He finished his degree by completing his remaining classes at another school.

He went on to become a certified Master of Fitness Sciences, youth fitness trainer, and a former strength and conditioning specialist at the University of Nebraska, University of Oregon, and Texas A&M University. He is also the owner and inventor of the Powerbase Training System, a portable device that utilizes resistance tubing attached to a plastic base to provide progressive resistance to the user.

In spite of his success, Mike is still grieving over the loss of his senior year. "What really got me was I felt that was my football team and I had let them down," he said. "I don't know if I ever got over it, but I finally learned to live with it."

Then, not long ago, Sul Ross alumni held a reunion, and Mike Flynt got a chance to get together with his former teammates and reminisce. Over a couple of beers, Mike told them of his regret. "What really gets me is that I feel like I can still play."

"So why not give it a shot?" they asked.

And Mike Flynt, now 59 years old, decided he'd do just that.

When he returned home to his wife, she wasn't as excited about the prospect as her husband. "I feel like I'm married to Peter Pan," she laughed.

Mike Flynt returned to Sul Ross after a 37-year hiatus. He tried out for the Division III team, and on Wednesday, he found out he made the roster. He could be taking the field as soon as September 1st as the oldest player in NCAA history. He's a grandfather, he's eight years older than his coach, and he has two kids older than any of his teammates.

Keep in mind he also runs a five second 40-yard dash and still bench presses a hell of a lot more than most men half his age.

Mike Flynt is an inspiration to middle-aged men everywhere and proof that, if you maintain a high level of fitness and pride in your appearance, there is no limit to what you can do. As Cartman would say, "Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. BEEFCAKE!"

Litchfield Elementary School District Plagued by Porn

2007-08-21T18:55:00.000-05:00

Students and parents surfing the Litchfield Elementary School District's website found quite a surprise if they accidentally mistyped the school website's domain name. Typing lesd.com instead of lesd.k12.az.us brought up images of naked women with bouncing breasts coupling with young muscled men.

Someone had parked the dot com version of the school's website on porn.

Buying up domain names that are spelled similarly to other, more popular websites is nothing new. Take for example whitehouse.com, which directed users to -- what else -- a porn website until it was sold in 2004.

But picking a website similar to an elementary school website and redirecting it to porn? Perhaps that's taking it a bit too far.

Attempts to appeal to the better nature of the owner of lesd.com proved unsuccessful. "Buy the domain yourself or shut the hell up," was his bottom line.

However, Litchfield Elementary school District officials and parents didn't want to dish out the kind of cash for which he was asking, opting instead to spend it on their children's education.

Alright, the game's up. We know you've tried visiting lesd.com for a peek at those bouncing breasts. "But ... but ... my finger slipped on my mouse and clicked!" Yeah, yeah. Don't try to deny it; we've heard it all before. As you might have noticed, lesd.com now redirects you to Google.com. It seems pressure from parents and the media finally brought the website's owner to his senses.

In related news, last week someone mistyped a link on the Litchfield Elementary School District's website. Instead of taking users to the online meal payments page, it brought them to a online gambling site.

Whoops.

Aerogel and You

2007-08-20T20:01:00.000-05:00

Aerogel may very well be the next step in mankind's technological evolution. Ironically, it was first invented in 1931 by Steven Kistler as a result of a bet over who could replace the liquid inside of a jar with gas without causing it to shrink. However, initial versions of aerogel proved too brittle and too costly for practical application, and it wasn't until recently that NASA took an interest in it.

Also known as frozen smoke, aerogel is made by extracting water from a silica gel and replacing it with a gas such as carbon dioxide. While it is chemically similar to ordinary glass, it is composed of 99.8% air, and with a weight just three times that of air, it is the world's lightest solid. In spite of its low density, it is also the world's best insulator; a one-inch thick pane of aerogel provides the same insulation as 15 panes of glass.

Including best insulator and lowest density solid, it holds 15 records in the Guinness Book of World Records.

In 2002, NASA company Aspen Aerogel produced a stronger and more flexible version of aerogel which is being used to develop an insulated lining in spacesuits for the first manned-mission to Mars, scheduled for 2018. An 18mm thick layer of this frozen smoke will protect astronauts from temperatures as low as -202 degrees Fahrenheit.

Previously too expensive for commercial uses, recent advances in technology have lowered its price tag and brought this revolutionary material into the consumer market.

Earlier this year, a resident of Nottingham, Great Britain became the first to install aerogel in his home as insulation. The results? "Heating has improved significantly. I turned the thermostat down five degrees. It’s been a remarkable transformation."

Okay. So it's great for insulating spacesuits and houses, but what else is aerogel good for?

How about bomb-proof armor for military vehicles and our troops? During testing, a metal plate coated in 6mm of aerogel was left virtually unscathed by a dynamite blast.

Sports? Dunlop has developed a line of squash and tennis rackets strengthened by aerogel, which are said to deliver more power.

Outdoor enthusiasts benefit as well. Last year, a British mountaineer climbed Mount Everest using boots with aerogel insoles and sleeping bags padded with aerogel. When asked to comment on the effectiveness of aerogel in these sub-arctic conditions, she said, "My feet were too hot."

Aerogel also has the potential to have a profound impact on our environment. Because of its chemical properties, it acts like a super-sponge capable of cleaning pollutants from the air, ground, and water.

Aerogel's potential is limitless. We could spend forever dreaming up uses for it. Imagine not only the gas mileage, but the safety rating of a car made primarily of aerogel. Unbreakable aerogel dishes? Soda bottles? Aerogel coffee mugs that would keep your joe steaming hot for hours? Earmuffs ... cushions ... oven mitts ... packing peanuts ... snowboards, skis, and surfboards ... couches ... refrigerators ... tires ... we could go on for days. Can you imagine how easy it would be to move with furniture that weighed only three times more than air? We know our Soldiers in Iraq would love to trade in their 80 pounds of body armor and battle-rattle for an aerogel suit.

What uses can you think of for aerogel? Aerogel condoms, anyone? Yes? No? Tell us your ideas!

Christy Newlin - Cop's Wife By Day, Prostitute by Night

2007-08-17T15:35:00.000-05:00

Like Superman's alter ego, Clark Kent, Christy Newlin lives a double life. For part of it, she poses as a mild-mannered housewife of a sheriff's deputy in Oakland County, Michigan.

"Good morning dear. I hope you slept well. Here, I made you bacon and eggs. And coffee, too, yes, just how you like it. Two scoops of sugar and just a smidgen of milk. I love you too, dear. Be safe. I'll see you when you get home from work."

As her husband, Randy Newlin, pulls out of the driveway, 45-year old Christy Newlin peeks out the window to make sure he is gone. Then, she slips into a chair in front of her computer. It's time for business. She checks her website, where she advertises her "services" and rates ... $250 an hour. Then she checks her e-mail. Excellent. She has a client. Arrangements are made to meet at a discreet hotel. Christy Newlin strips out of her Clark Kent disguise and becomes Woman of the Night.

Woman of the Night travels to the hotel. Money changes hands. Dirty things happen. Woman of the Night returns home and resumes her role as Christy Newlin, the mild-mannered housewife.

12 years pass.

Fortunately, an anonymous caller tipped off Sherrif Michael Bouchard, ending Christy Newlin's double-life. She is currently free on bond and will face preliminary charges on Monday. Her husband has not been charged and claims he had no knowledge of her alter ego.

Can you imagine finding out that your wife has been whoring herself for the last twelve years of your marriage? Not even Superman could have kept that one hidden. We don't know if we should applaud her for her cunning or bitch-slap her into next week.

Charlene Corley Charges Government Millions for Some Nuts and Bolts

2007-08-16T19:02:00.000-05:00

Darlene Corley Wooten and Charlene Corley owned and operated C&D Distributors out of Lexington, South Carolina. They had a contract with the government to supply our troops with the necessary equipment to fight the War on Terror, shipping parts and supplies to high-priority conflict areas.

Somehow, the two discovered a little flaw in the government's accounting system; any item marked as priority and destined for Iraq or Afghanistan was paid for automatically without oversight. Over the course of the next six years, the Corley sisters went to town, cleaned house, and made a fortune.

The government would buy two 19 cent washers; the Corleys would charge $998,798 for shipping. Three machine screws for $1.31 plus $455,009 shipping. An 89 cent split washer? Shipping will cost you $293,451.

In total, just over $68,000 worth of equipment was purchased, and total shipping charges came to $20.5 million. Cha-ching.

Last September, a bill from C&D Distributors for two more 19 cent washers and shipping charges of $969,000 caught the eye of a purchasing agent. After six years, someone thought to think that a million dollars in shipping was suspicious.

Six years ...

We'd recommend giving this guy a promotion, but that would suck all of the intelligence out of the purchasing agent pool.

A more thorough review of past shipping invoices for all contractors revealed that fraudulent billing is, quote, "not a widespread problem." Interpretation: "Our records only go back three months."

After being brought up on charges, one of the Corley sisters, Darlene, took her own life by gunshot rather than own up to her crimes and face justice. The other, Charlene Corley, was charged with conspiracy to commit fraud and money laundering. She faces twenty years for each offense and fines up to $500,000.

$500,000 in fines for stealing $20.5 million from the government? We don't see the logic. Obviously a purchasing agent must have thought that one up. The government plans on recouping its losses by auctioning off the numerous homes, beach property, jewelry, and automobiles that the sisters bought.

We'll be bookmarking eBay in hopes of snatching up a good deal.

Good Cop, Baby Cop

2007-08-15T17:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Will Ferrell was confronted by his heartless landlord. Once a powerful celebrity, he squandered his fortune and fame on horoscope readings and garden gnomes and is struggling to pay his rent to avoid eviction. Things couldn't get much worse for the Hollywood star, right?

Wrong.

Accused of murder, he sits stoically in an interrogation room, adamantly professing his innocence. When the police are unable to break him, they send in their best.

They send in Pearl.